Zexion's Memorandum
by DeadShut
Summary: Finally updated with Segment VII: The Tool of Death. In this new segment, Zexion expresses his fascination and fear of age, and gives his ideas on the world's view of death in general.
1. Questioning Existence

Zexion's Memorandum

Segment I: Questioning Existence

Do you ever question your reality?

I do not mean your personal reality, but simply the reality of the role you play in this existence. Waking up. Eating breakfast. Enjoying day-to-day activities. Having midnight snacks. Reading a good book. Talking to friends. Can you be guaranteed that these splendors are real?

The mind is incredibly powerful. The chemicals inside it that cause emotions sometimes…tickle the mind. When one emotion is experienced and the mind deems it a good feeling, it will sometimes control the body to do whatever it takes to achieve said emotion. Soon the mind strives off the emotion, and then we have a being under the ever-moving ride of self-gratification. Chronic masturbators are born.

If you enjoy the activities I've mentioned above, you enjoy them because of the emotions the activities spawn inside your mind. The mind acknowledges these emotions, and begins to strive off of them. Now you want to talk to your friends, read good books, have midnight snacks, all the time. You may not be aware of it, but you do, truly.

Now that _that_ point has been made, we need to discuss the mind's remarkable capability of creation. The mind, which resides in a pink ball of flesh inside your head yet runs your entire body, can envision. Create _worlds_. The extremely dehydrated have been known to experience incredibly detailed hallucinations (this will be seen later, in my "Athirst Analysis" experiment), as do the clinically insane. Normally, these hallucinations are used as an escape for the deluded, who cannot stand the situation he or she is in whilst in reality. They can go from something simplistic, like an imaginary companion, to something incredibly complex, such as a fantastic world to take refuge in.

Who's to say that you're not the latter?

Of course, it is illogical to assume such things, or to takes such _huge_ leaps in logic. There is absolutely no evidence that your life, as you know it, is a hallucination. There are, however, proofs _against_ the very idea. I've mustered up a few arguments while off-duty from the Organization. I've titled these the Laws of Illusionary Science

A. If your existence is a hallucination, you would be possible to control said hallucination or distort the "false reality" in any way. You cannot control reality, so it is impossible for your existence to be a hallucination.

B. If your existence is a hallucination, you would not be able to receive new ideas or concepts. Even the deluded know everything about their hallucinations, and if it is impossible for you to know everything, then it is impossible for your existence to be a hallucination.

C. If your existence is a hallucination, you would not be limited in any way. You _are_ limited in a number of ways, as seen by hunger, thirst, fatigue, burn, and freeze, therefore it is impossible for your existence to be a hallucination.

But does that mean the concept of being in a hallucination should not be brought up to ponder? No, it does not. If you refuse to think about it, you're close-minded, and if you think it to be true but refuse to take the Laws under consideration, you're close-minded. Close-minded is a sign of an unhealthy mind, so not questioning it _all_, even if you fear it, is a sign of an unhealthy mind.

A healthy mind should be strived for on a daily basis, yet I'm the only one that seems to know this.


	2. Experimenting with Love

Segment II: Love

Why do we love?

This is a question that I, personally, believe many people ask themselves. Especially those who're bonded with a member of the opposite sex. The answer is so simple, so incredibly anticlimactic, that it leaves many disappointed.

The reason we, as humans, love is due to extreme attraction to a member of the opposite sex and because our animalistic instinct is to reproduce. No matter if you think it is "shallow", it is true: one of our sole universal purposes is to reproduce. The male gender is stimulated at the mere thought of a sexual partner from the female gender. The females share the same feelings, but it is by far less powerful.

I was confronted by the idea that each of us have a destined soul mate for one another. The idea intrigued me, so I decided to set up an experiment to see if the process actually worked.

In a nearby town, I had sent out invitations to certain human people, posing as a matchmaking service (oh how the urges of humans never cease to fail me!). Since I no longer hold any emotions, I was forced to rely on things I've read to tell me what was considered attractive in the human race. I invited two handsome (according to my literature), muscular men and put them in different rooms. In one room, with one man, I put in ten obese women who shared the same interests as the man, and one luscious woman with the other eleven who was nothing like the man. In the next room, I simply put one attractive woman with nothing in common with the second man. I locked the two alone in the room with limited food and water, but left the door unlocked in the first room.

For the next three weeks, I observed what occurred in each room. In Room A, the man avoided the obese women and went directly for the attractive one at first. However, as time went on, he developed a close friendship with one of the obese women. Soon, the excitement that he had sexually towards the attractive woman was equaled by his strong friendship with the obese woman. As excited as my heartlessness allowed me, I removed the other obese women and observed who the man would choose. To my surprise, he chose the obese woman. I allowed them to leave and put down all of my observations in a locked filing cabinet. To this day, I do believe they are married with three kids.

In the Room B, however, I observed something more remarkable. The two people had absolutely nothing in common, and argued constantly. However, by the end of the three weeks, they had made love twice and considered themselves a couple, going as far as expressing their love for one another.

With this even more fascinating information, I came to the conclusion that, no matter what two people are together, as long as they're of the opposite sex and heterosexual, they will eventually "fall in love". Ending that way is inevitable.

Of course, it is by far a much more happier mating when the two people are not only sexually attracted to each other, but also close friends who enjoy each other's company. It is our nature to perform rituals such as dating, in order to find the most enjoyable mate. Like the stork's mating dance. We want to mate with a suitable caterer, and I understand now that what we truly enjoy is people who have things in common with us. All humans are, in a way, narcissists, because we look for traits _we_ have whilst looking for a mate. Others keep their more animalistic nature and randomly reproduce with whoever is generally attractive. I find this latter process to be a greedy one, going back to the self-pleasers from Segment I.

Overall, based on my observations, the answer is no: we do not have "soul mates". We do, however, have fascinating rituals to find ourselves, our own mentalities, inside other people, then build bonds upon these mentalities and eventually reproduce. So, it is clear why some people take their own lives over these bonds…sometimes they're so strong, even just to one person, that it can be devastating. If I had pity to give, I would give it to the heartbroken. Mating, "love", is golden. Having it taken from you must be horrid.

I could be wrong, however, for all I know. I no longer feel "love". But I've studied hard, and I think I've got it correct. Doesn't matter; I'm the only one with half an idea of how _anything_ works in the Organization.

If you ask me, _I_ should be in charge…


	3. Death and the Mind

Zexion's Memorandum

Segment III: Death and the Mind

Throughout my endeavors within Organization XIII, I have seen quite a lot of death. Troops slain, opponents destroyed, friends lost. It is something we all must do, and it is quite a scary topic.

The religious will point to the concept that death is an opening, not a closing, door. But without evidence, why should one believe such manmade ideas? We, as the human race (which I was once apart of before becoming a Nobody), can fight, argue, hate one another, have differential opinions, look incredibly different, etc., but we have one thing in common-we are all destined to die.

When I was younger and more impatient, I met a fellow who told me he cannot die, because he does not accept that death is an inevitability.

So, I shot him in the face.

I mean that literally. With an old weapon, I shot the man in the face. I was young and rash back then, incredibly rash, not to mention even _less_ caring about human life than I am today. I did not do so out of cold blood, just merely curious from the man's proclamation. I wanted, nay, _needed_ to see if it were true.

But it wasn't true. After pulling the trigger, he lay before me without a face, just a mess of blood and muscle. The man was as dead as a doornail, as was the idea that we cannot die if we do not accept it as an inevitability.

Now, however, we need to find the question underneath this all: should we be afraid to die?

The answer is disturbing. You cannot _not_ fear death. It is your animalistic instincts that will not allow you. Death means no reproduction, no reproduction means "try not to die", and the brain will use fear, the most powerful of all emotions besides love, to keep you from dying. If you've had a brush with death, you probably remember a panicking feeling. This is the mind stating that you cannot, _must_ not, die. It is using fear to get you out of situations. Whether you do get out or not, however, is entirely up to you…and your capabilities.

A common question within prisoners sentenced to death is: "Will it hurt?". Nobody can answer this question. None of us who are alive knows what death feels like. All we know is that hanging people, electrifying them, gassing them, and all of those, er, charming concepts creates death. We are, after all, Death Mongers.

Yes, Death Mongers. That is a title worthy as an alternative to "humans". We kill animals to obtain food. We kill _plants_ to obtain food. We kill each other in wars, to conquer land. We create new explosives and killing-machines all the time. Not to mention, anyone can kill _anyone_ else incredibly easily. Take any item in the world, any item at all, and it's probable that you can devise a killing method out of it. Even the comforting warmth of a pillow has been used to suffocate people.

Our world is filled with death, yet we all fear death. Why is that? Because we're afraid of what will happen _after_ death? Because our instincts use fear to get us out of death? Or because we're brought up to think death is unacceptable and frightening?

It seems even full-grown people have monsters under their beds.


	4. Emotions of Order

Zexion's Memorandum

Segment IV: Emotions of Order

I've written this Segment after a serious Q&A session with myself. So, let's start with what I've been asking and what solutions I've come to.

What makes us happy? Friends, family, laughing, accomplishing things.

Which is the most powerful? Laughter, because of a direct chemical reaction.

Why do we laugh? To relieve stress.

Why do we stress? Because we're compelled to be on top of things.

Why do we need to be on top of things? Because things need to be kept in order.

And why is that? Because without order, we would descend into chaos.

What's so bad about chaos? It leads to quicker deaths.

If you fire a bullet in a room full of people, it would probably take out a line of people. After all, firing a bullet is a structured process: the bullet follows a trail and takes down anything it can before it stops. It does not do this willingly, but is simply made to do so. That is its purpose. However, chaos corrupts the purpose when we put the gun, the bullet and the people in a _metal_ room and fire off our fast-killing weapon. Now the bullet will ricochet until its velocity slows down, or it gets caught within one of the people. How many living beings will it take out?

For another example of chaos affecting lives, think of a matador facing a bull. If the bull is trained to not hurt anyone, or in other words, _built_ to not hurt anyone, the matador would win. Put a regular bull in there, and it will put up a fight, disorder fueling its aggression.

You may be wondering where I'm going with all of this. It's fairly simple: our modern society is in the same exact situation. Humans (and complex Nobodies, such as I) are animal-instinctive. Naturally, we want to kill and eat other beings, and we _do_. Naturally, we want to reproduce a lot, and we _do._ However, we're more complex emotion-wise than the noble lion or the prowling panther. We, more than anything else, do not want to die. We do not want to fight to the death for our mates. Instinctively, we see death as a serious matter, when it occurs in nature everyday. It is with these emotions that come the order of things. Chaos leads to death; if we do not like death as a species, we will try and do anything to temporarily defend ourselves from death. The only solution, the only _flipside_ to chaos is order. With order comes civilization, with civilization comes society, and soon we have so many distractions from death so that it's no longer a serious topic anymore…unless it happens to us or loved ones. We, as a species, have _built_ ourselves into order, much like a gunsmith builds a pistol that fires off a straight bullet, and a cattle rancher that raises a polite bull.

This thought may seem rather morbid, but chew on this. On an actual day in the future, real as text you're reading is real, you and I are going to die. The day exists and it is coming at each of us non-stop. On a real day, a day with a date and a sequence of events, you will cease to exist. You will be drenched in the inconceivable on that day, because you cannot conceive death. Either you die and you're forever within eternal nothingness, which you cannot imagine because of your existence, or you will go to an afterlife, in which case you cannot conceive that either, because this life is the only life you know. On an actual day in the future _you_ will be a pioneer of death, and you will never come back to tell us your findings. As will I. As will we all.

Why don't people think about this? Because it leads to panic. Panic leads to chaos. Chaos leads to quicker deaths. And, deep down, we _loathe_ death, can't stand it in the slightest.


	5. Contrasting Minds

Zexion's Memorandum

Segment V: Contrasting Minds

The following is a transcript that depicts Professor Archibald Sissix, Twilight Town's famous philosopher, and I, Seventh Member of Organization XIII, engaging in a debate. I had been growing bored (yes, despite not having emotions towards other beings, I _can_ grow bored), cooped up within my room in the World that Never Was, and decided I would go out to Twilight Town, a fellow community within the Plane of In Between, to observe the day-to-day lives of many citizens. I clothed myself in the shadowy robes of the Organization, and grabbed two books: the _Book of Retribution_, an incredible read on the hallucinatory functions of the human mind by an ancient professor, Elder Sias, and my own journal to write down or sketch anything interesting see to ponder about upon my arrival back home.

My attention came to a crowd of people circling two men standing at podiums facing each other. One was a priest, the other Sissix. Sissix was welcoming people to debate him on any subject he chose, and if they won and/or left him speechless, he would reward them with a free copy of his lengthy book, the _A Stretch Towards Completion_. Since I still have doubts to this day that the imbeciles of Twilight can actually _read_, I was not surprised to see the priest reduced to tears and walk away silently from Sissix. Sissix was a large man with a gray mat of hair and beard, both sprinkled with dark flakes of black. He wore humongous glasses and although he was not smiling, I could tell the town's intellect looked rather satisfied with himself.

I've never been fond of modern-day philosophy writers. I find them too…emotional. I prefer the works of the deceased geniuses, such as Professor Sensus Hitchens, author of the two thousand-paged _Heretic's Memorandum_. He was burned at the stake for what he said and wrote. I'm assuming it's because he made the residents think.

However, I felt the need to prove myself, and prove the Organization was a shadow walking amongst man. So when the day may come when we, the triumphant Nobodies, are restored to our full power, our appearances within society will go down in history. I also wanted to test my knowledge. I approached Sissix happily, and he grinned at my black attire.

"On your way to a costume party, friend?" he asked. Some nervous laughter from the crowd. Beneath my hood, I grinned. When I did not reply, he began the conversation…

TRANSCRIPT

S: "Alrighty. What is your name, son?"

Z: "My name is none of your concern. However, the only title I shall allow from you is 'Heretic'. Nothing more, nothing less."

S: "Ooooh, a mystery man, eh? [_laughter from the audience_] I do love a good mystery. Tell me, what is your background on philosophy and common questions asked by the human mind?"

Z: "I am a reader of many books by Sensus Hitchens, and other logical thinkers. I am also on Volume Six of _Hallucinate_ by Elder Sias, someone more recent. I also am a studier of the human mind, running experiments from time to time."

S: "Sensus Hitchens? Author of _Heretic's Memorandum_? I must say, you need to get with the times. I may be old, but that book is long before my time."

Z: "Perhaps you underestimate what he's saying."

S (snidely): "Yeah, okay. Anyways, let's get onto a subject I very much love to confront people about: good and evil. What're your opinions on good and evil, Heretic?"

Z: "They do not exist."

S: "Aha! Wrong already, sir! Good and evil are concepts of the human mind, brought to life by the actions and opinions of others."

Z: "How so?"

S: "Think about it, Heretic! Good is donating to charities, feeding the hungry, heck, even holding the door open for someone! Evil is killing, rape, stealing! Even if they may not be surreal concepts, they're very much real!"

Z: "Ah. Yes. What an unbelievably stupid thing to say."

[_crowd gasps_]

[_Sissix smiles_]

Z: "To say the concepts-the _ideas_ of good and evil-are made real by our actions is like saying a god (or gods) is made real by people believing in one (or some). As we know, just because people believe in a god or gods does not make it automatically true, just an idea. Now, I would very much like to address your examples of good. If good exists, and a man donates to charity, or holds the door open for someone, does that make him good? What if, afterwards, he did one of the things you've listen as evil? The result would be a paradox, and accomplish nothing but bring you back to square one, which is having no good or evil to begin with. Now, as for your examples of evil-"

S (chuckling): "Now, now, Heretic. Even though you're slightly correct on some parts, as much as someone of such limited intelligence as you-"

Z: "Beg pardon? I'm afraid, Mr. Sissix, that interrupting me does not make you correct. Nor do bad manners, nor does trying to intimidate me by using insults. It's a tactic used by schoolyard children, and I'm unimpressed. [_Sissix shuts his mouth with a snap, eyes gleaming_] Now, as I was saying, your examples of evil are ludicrous as well, especially with rape. Sexual desire is a positive in our biology. If rape is a negative, and rape is produced by sexual desire, than sexual desire would be a negative. Sexual desire is _not_ a negative, therefore saying that rape is a negative can't be true. At least on a biological reasoning, it is not."

S: "Are you _supporting rape_, sir?"

Z: "Absolutely not. Rape is a crime and should be treated as such. I am simply claiming that it is not an 'evil', or a _negative_, to be more straightforward."

S: "Okay, 'Heretic'. I want you to picture a girl for me. A beautiful girl, absolutely flawless. She is ambushed in an alley and screams while she is getting raped. Horrifically. Do you see it?"

Z: "I see it. What's your point?"

S: "Would you not see this as an evil act? Or are you just a monster?"

Z: "I would see it as a criminal act, and maybe less than that. You claim she is beautiful and expect me to sympathize because the general understanding of society is that beauty is a symbol of value. Beauty is _not_ a symbol of value, a symbol of worth. Personality is worth, bond is worth…beauty is not. If you treasure beauty and nothing more, you are a miser."

S: "That's not what I meant."

Z: "No? Then what did you mean?"

S: "Let's move onto another topic, then."

Z: "Er, no. If we move onto another topic, that would mean you have no response to my question in the first topic, therefore implying you _have_ no answer, therefore causing you to lose the debate and me to get a copy of your book."

[_silence from the crowd, and Sissix_]

Z: "What did you mean, earlier?"

[_silence_]

Z: "Sissix!"

S (sighing): "Very well. You win. Take a book."

END TRANSCRIPT

I burned the book that very night, and ordered a couple of minions of mine to arson Mr. Sissix's home in Twilight Town. I hope, in the Superior's name, that nobody hears his foolishness again.

I had several citizens of Twilight tell me that my points in the debate were rather…melancholic or grim. The world is no better than its poetry, which is the study of the world itself. If one cannot take a negative and spawn a positive from it, perhaps it's not so much my thoughts and arguments that are unenthusiastic as it is their personality, of which they cannot keep optimistic.


	6. A Generation of Sociopaths

_Zexion's Memorandum_

Segment VI: A Generation of Sociopaths

An hour after I debated Professor Sissix in Twilight Town, I found one lone boy sitting by himself with a sea salt ice cream, the blue coloring of the frozen treat melting and running down his hands. He couldn't have been any older than ten, and he was overweight. The kid was enviously eyeing a group of long-haired boys playing ball with one another. The situation came to me like the value of a variable in an equation comes to a mathematician. The boy was sitting alone. He wanted to join the game the other boys were playing. He was not. He was overweight. He was afraid that they would not accept him. And, judging by the way the other boys occasionally pointed at him and laughed, the misfit was probably right. This infuriated me.

As I sat in a café after witnessing this, I felt disgusted with the human race, and that disgust will never go away. After having a drink, I came back home and began to think about the way we perceive each other, and how animalistic we really are.

Many people loathe to think that we're animals. Reasonably put, they can go fuck themselves with the handle of a rake, because they're deluding themselves. We _are_ animals. All of us. If you cannot bare that, you're a fool.

Teaching our kids to exclude others. Finding amusement in chasing balls around a court or field. Coming up with cliques, groups, _packs_ to dominate others over. Excluding the physically faulted to make oneself seem better in others' eyes. We are monsters, no better than the wolves that prowl in the night, no better than the hawk that preys disrespectfully upon the dead.

Let it be stated again that **beauty is not a sign of worth**. Excluding the physically flawed, such as an overweight kid who just wants a friend, and not caring about his feelings is an act of a sociopath. Not even a _cunning_ sociopath; just a thuggish, idiotic, pathetic piece of rubbish.

Instead of judging people as socially acceptable or unacceptable through their physical appearances, we should perform this process based on people's _personalities_. We do not, though. We, instead, decide by using our eyes, and not our minds. Which frightens me, and should frighten any clear-thinker.

Almost all children are like this nowadays. We are raising a generation of sociopaths, and nobody is intervening. Let's go back to obesity. Instead of working on stopping the madness of excluding people with an eating problem, we're working on charities to promote making these people physically _fit_. What exactly would this change? Their appearance? **Beauty is not a sign of worth**. You are accomplishing _nothing_ by changing a person's weight. It is also, I have noticed, something common to jump on the throat of people you hate with a "you're overweight" insult. Does that make this overweight person _bad_, because he is overweight? Of course not. So why do we do it?

Because we're animals. Animals are attracted to the physically fit because the physically fit look like they're able to live longer, making them more suitable mates. However, most of us take it to the extreme and not only exclude the physically unfit, but _insult them_. The logic in this is mind-boggling, because a physically fit person can die before a physically unfit person. There are also physically unfit people who can nurture children better than a physically fit person. Of course, I'm not saying that all physically unfit people are all generally "good", and the fit are "bad"; in fact, we all have both "good" and "bad" within us (_both being subjective, see Segment V_). It's what acts you perform around others that makes you who you are, because without perspective, you are nothing. And the way people act to other people are incredibly sociopathic.

Welcome to Generation S. I can only speculate and dream nightmares on what the next downward step in humanity is.


	7. The Tool of Death

_Zexion's Memorandum _

Segment VII: The Tool of Death

For a while, mostly while I toss and turn in bed at night, I've been pondering about the concepts of age and death, and then contemplating how the two coincide.

Death is when we officially run out of life. Our lives are just processes of wearing our body down to the point where we can no longer hold up anymore. Such a scary concept, correct? It gets even more frightening.

You see, I've always found a certain conception poetically ironic; the conception that, as you grow older, you're granted more privileges. Age is constantly referred to as a sign of authority and experience, while nobody seems to acknowledge that it is also a sign of being closer to death. The age of twenty is half of forty. Twenty-five is half of _fifty_. Even the mere age of fifteen is half of thirty! While you're dragging along through puberty, you are actually at the half-way-point of becoming a thirty-year-old. When you're twenty and spending your time going to parties, you're at the half-way point of becoming a middle-aged man. And, last but not least, just _ten years_ after becoming thirty, you will be forty. Forty is half of eighty. And how many people actually make it to eighty? At forty, your life is either half over, or close to over. Then that's it. It's over. Done and over with. You make the obituary pages. Which is also poetically ironic; many people, throughout their lives, wish to accomplish things so that they can see their names in the newspapers; you're given a spot in the papers for an accomplishment we _all_ have to go through.

Now, as for what I personally believe: I believe that if we stopped wasting our times sniveling, crying and soiling ourselves over death through processes of coming up with religions and the likes, we'd be able to progress more as a species, perhaps one day even _cure_ death, program the dead back to life. Yes - I do believe that, one day, we will conquer death. I am sure there are other species in the universe who already have conquered death, yet we, the species of meat and water, have chosen to let our emotions speak for us instead of our intellects. Our intellectualism needs to be revolutionized, and soon; otherwise, we will be caught in the webs that emotions weave, and progress in absolutely nothing.

And if that happens, we will forever be caught in these bloody rapids of age and pain; and all of us will eventually reach the waterfall that the rapids lead to.


End file.
